I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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