I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
