I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
