She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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