You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
