theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
