JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
