The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
