I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
