it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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