Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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