whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
