i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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