i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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