I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
