I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Enjoy the penises
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
