Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
