If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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