I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize