No awkward lesbian experiences without me
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
