OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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