God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
