All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
