the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
