my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize