did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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