There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
