I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
