Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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