Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Green mimosas i think yes
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
