Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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