all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
