Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
