Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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