none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
