meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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