Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
