im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
