I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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