Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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