I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
