Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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