Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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