My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
dude. I can hear the air.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
