I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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