either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
