I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
