I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
