My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
