I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I will be naked everywhere
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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