If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
