my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
