I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
