i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
