Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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