evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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