Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
