Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
