My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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