I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
