you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
