I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
