capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
