I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
