No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
