Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
