Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I forget how to act sober
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
