just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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