babies were throwing up all over the place
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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