i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
