Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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