I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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