hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
